Mum Life | Harder than it looked

Hello my loves,

Now it has been my dream to be a mum since I was little. Now the reality of mum life is actually much different to the dream I had as a little girl. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think this would be a walk in the park and I knew it would have its ups and downs. This is just a little post to be like "it's okay to miss little things from life pre-baby". I love Barney with everything I have but I've gone from me to mum and it's a whole different level.

Now I think what I'm struggling with is feeling trapped in my house. I'm naturally a messy person, I've tried really hard since Barneys been here to keep on top of it but Barney is just very much a boy that will not be put down. Thankfully this week he's taken to Peppa pig and I never thought a cartoon pig would become a lifeline for me but here I am, a disheveled woman clinging to the parenting skills of a cartoon pig to amuse my son long enough to put a wash on. 

Honestly I love him but I never thought I'd be dying to get housework done. Or have a spur of the moment bubble bath without having to schedule it in with my other half. Single parents I salute you because this shits hard and there's two of us!

A hot drink. A hot drink is a bloody rarity for me now. I think I've drunk more Luke warm mugs of tea in the last seven weeks than I have in my 25 years on this earth. I just feel like he knows, like he's sleeping soundly and then it's like he hears that kettle go and *boom* he's up. Is it too much to ask for just one mug of steaming hot tea a day, a mug of warmth it set me up for chaos or to wind me down from mum life.

That leads me onto a hot meal...                                                                                                                   For someone who loves her food, I don't actually think I've eaten a hot meal in one sitting since he was born. The way dinner works now is I let my over half have his first, perks of him wolfing it down means I can enjoy my meal in peace, even if it is cold at that point. I've even taken to cutting all my food up into little bits just to do it one handed. I know I can hold Barney, balance a bottle in his mouth for a millisecond with I stab food on a fork to shovel into my mouth. Like this is such a little thing I guess I never thought about.

I find that whenever I want a wee or god forbid anything else, my wee is interrupted by the cries of the baby. During the night I've had to master the *hold the baby with one hand and wipe with the other to stop him from screaming my house down* routine. Yes, it is indeed a wild life I live.

All these little things may just seem laughable and I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on this and laugh. I think the one thing I'm struggling with the most, is just the feeling that I'm lost. I'm not myself anymore and that's an odd feeling. I knew my life would change but with this new little person, someone that's always there, I've never felt so lonely. I don't have time to think about me anymore, and god forbid I do I feel like it's greeted with disgust that I could possibly take just a few hours to unwind and not live in the bubble where a tiny human life depends on me. I know that's awful but I'm hoping this is maybe a normal feeling. I don't think this is postnatal depression, I'm back on tablets like I was pre-pregnancy but I think the sheer responsibility that someone else is relying on me to keep them safe, fed, dressed, happy and loved is a lot. 

I have a really supportive family and partner who are always there, yet I just feel so alone. I feel like the minute I stop, take a breath or catch some sleep even....I just feel on edge like everyones just judging me to switching off for a few moments each week. Is this normal for parents to feel? I will re-word that actually, if you're part of a team of parents and you are the main person who looks after your little one(s), do you feel like you can't even take a moment. Like because you're at home with the baby or the children, like you're not entitled to feel tired?

In my day right now, this is the list of things I have to do. I say have, no one is forcing me but while my other half works I try and keep on top of the housework as well. So this is the list of things I have in my day to fit in. 

Get the baby fed.

Get him up and dressed.

Change him.

Clean the bedroom.

Clean the bathroom.

Do the washing up and bottles.

Do a wash load and hang it out.

Organise our finances.

Make dinner (Not a fab meal but you try doing dinner with a 7 feel old that refuses to be put down).

Make his bottles up, normally while he's demanding one so doing a one handed scoop of formula and normally it falling on the side is a mare. Who knew it was so sticky when it was a tad wet.

Eating dinner one handed or cold.

Trying to sooth an overtired baby and get him to bed.

While this may not seem like a lot, keep in mind that these aren't things I can just crack on with anymore. I took that for granted so much before he was here. Who knew I'd be thankful for a peaceful minute to just clean my kitchen. I also then have the guilt of an evening, now I know my other half enjoys his time on Fifa and when he says he'll take over I always see the sigh when Barney cries mid game. Then I feel bad and just offer to take over (He doesn't moan about having to stop playing but the guilt creeps in for me). So normally my day starts at about 7am when Barney wakes up properly for the day, it ends maybe at 11:30 when he finally settles into his big sleep but then I'm up a few times in the night. 

Does this get easier? Is there light at the end of this tunnel or is this just me now? I love my baby with everything I have but being a mum, well a parent in general is hard. Will the guilt fade? Will I get to a place where I feel like I'm able to just go "No, I need to have a day to switch off from baby brain". 

Anyway, sorry for the rambling post. I guess my head is just really all over the place and I just needed a space to express how I was feeling. 

Speak soon x

Mum Life | He's here

Hello there my loves,

Now when I first told you I was expecting I had hoped to update you along the way. Now that never went to plan and while I really wanted to, I found that some pregnancy depression started to creep in. Now did I tell anyone? Not really which was a silly thing to do. I think that there is still a rather big stigma attached to depression and pregnancy. There shouldn't be and I was offered the help if I needed it. It was more just a feeling that people not in a medical profession would judge me. 

Now my gorgeous little boy was born on September 1st and it was nothing like I planned. I had planned for a natural birth, limited pain relief and to be in and out within a day. That was not the case at all and this is going to be a lengthy post so either grab a tea and a snack or maybe just come back when you're ready for this. 

I will say to any parent who is about to go through childbirth then read this and don't be scared, please take comfort in the fact that I too had planned the birth and when things didn't go to plan, I know just how it feels but your body is amazing and all that matters is that you're okay and the baby is happy and healthy. Now I did try to note down what pain relief I was having and what on earth was going on, sadly as the time went on I did loose track a little so please bare that in mind.

Monday - 

On Monday I was asked to go in for induction, the hospital starts the process with a 24 hour pessary I think. If that's wrong then basically they put, what I can only describe as a small shoelace type tampon into my cervix with a gel on it. I was told this was a slow release hormone to try and soften my cervix. Now my fiancé was allowed to stay with me until about 9pm, then he had to go home. Now this was very hard for me, I have never stayed in hospital before so being away from him when I was in the most vulnerable state just crushed me. 

Now I was getting monitored every four hours, so they would come round at all hours, check my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate. They would also pop two little disks on my tummy, one to monitor the baby and one to monitor contractions I assume. Now I won't lie, the second one I never really was interested in hence why I have no clue what it actually did. I was more focused on his little heart beat. I will say, some babies do just dart. My little boy always liked to hide during the scans and he would dart away when he knew people were trying to find him. 

Tuesday - 

At around 10 in the morning they checked to see if my cervix had softened at all and felt to see if I had dilated at all, sadly I had not so they put in a six hour pessary. This was just a gel and this was supposed to be a faster acting hormone. Now I was getting a bit disheartened, family members had told me how they had been induced and it had been from induction to birth under twelve hours. Please take any advice you hear with a pinch of salt, I understand now how important it is to just go into labour with an approach of whatever happens happens. Everyone is different and six hours later, my body has still not dilated. In went another gel and another overnight stay. In the night I did start to get little tightens in my tummy and period like pains but I honestly at this point just thought my body was trying to trick me.

Wednesday - 

Once I'd been woken up for my observation, still very sleepy there was a midlife and a doctor fanny end of me requesting to feel my inside parts. Now of course I obliged, I had no hope at all that I was going to be at a point where I was dilated enough to have my waters broken. They didn't wait for my fiancé but they did what they needed to do, I was actually dilated what they thought was 2cm. I was told (which I could be wrong so do not take this as a medical bit of information) that they could break the waters at 2cm. Now in went a small hook and the waters were broken. I felt a massive gush of water and then a constant trickle. Now I can tell you all now, those waters stay for a while. It felt like I spent all day feeling like I had wet myself.

Now at 9am I was taken into my own room. Finally! Now I thing the job the NHS do is amazing and the fact that in England for me, having a baby doesn't cost me anything. I know in a a lot of countries medical care is very expensive so I am thankful the country I live in has this.....but as someone who has anxiety and a history of depression, being on a ward with lots of other people was very over whelming to me. When I was in my own little room, I was hooked up to a hormone drip. Now I once I was on that drip the contractions kicked in. 

Now at first they were like period pains but then the doctors wanted my drip turned up. The issue with the hormone drip is they were feeding my body full of hormones to bring on contractions so this didn't mean anything was progressing, it just meant my body was in agony. Now they had to monitor the baby the minute I went into my own room, I'm unsure if they do this for all babies as I am only giving my story as a woman who has just had her first. 

I could only get comfortable on my side but sadly the baby wouldn't be monitored like this so I had to just lay flat, something I hated but the baby loved. Because he kept darting they decided to pop a little clip on his head. Now I didn't even know this was a thing but I was told it was an easier was to monitor the baby better and it gave me a tiny bit more freedom with the position I was in. Once that was done I also had a catheter put in which was a very odd experience. For a woman that for nearly 5 years to my partner has tried to play it off that I do not poop or fart, the fact he sat next to a bag that was slowly filling with my piss was top notch. Your dignity really does go out of the window when in labour.

I also said I didn't want my mum there, I just know she hates seeing me in pain and the thought of her worrying about me was going to stress me out more. Come 12pm I was crying to my fiancé telling him I wanted my mum. I mean her car broke down on the way so after about 2 hours she finally made it to me. She was the best support I could have asked for and having her there in that moment, when my body was going through this pain was all I really needed. My mums my world and like my best friend, so to have her there in the end just meant the world to me. 

They checked me at 1pm and I was still barely 2cm dilated. My contractions were thick and fast at this point, I was certain I didn't want any pain relief as I had read up on the effects they can have on the baby. Now while all of them were safe I just wanted to try and do it without but lord I wish I had just take anything they would give me. I will say though, gas and air is bloody lovely. For me it worked a treat and I actually think if they sold these I'd be the first to buy one haha.

6pm came and I was still only 2cm. At this point they had given me the epidural, now that took two attempts and lordddddd.......the pain I felt while they popped that needle into my spine was just awful. For me, and this might just be how my body reacted to it but it last for 30 minutes and wore off. No amount of topping up was helping and its like my body just was rejecting it. The crushing feeling that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to was setting in and the contractions just got worse, you see the issue with the hormone drip is is basically forces your body into contracting and lord it was the worst pain I have ever felt. Saying that, I can't actually remember it now. It's funny how my body seems to have erased the idea of the pain now. Not that I plan on having any more children for a longggggg time now.

11pm rolled round and still nothing was happening apart from me throwing up green sick on my other half and being in a world of pain. Now at this point doctors were coming in to discuss what needed to be done. The safest bet for me and the baby was to have an emergency C section. Now to me this was the worst case, I just felt like my body had been through all this pain only to fail me when I needed it to work. I got taken down at about 12am, had to have them put a massive needle in my back 3 times in the end as they couldn't get the spot they needed. Once that was all done it was time to get this baby out. Now I thought all of you went numb but from my shoulders up I had feeling, I also go the worst shakes I have ever had. At 1.16am our amazing little boy was brought into this world by the surgeons singing happy birthday to him. 

It was the most surreal thing. They lowered the little curtain and me and my partner say my son coming out and while he was an angry looking thing, it was the most magical moment I think I have ever experienced. That first cry of "I'm here now mummy" melted my heart and in that moment it felt like a blur, my son, my little baby boy was placed onto my chest and in that instant I knew what love was. It's a funny thing, I thought I knew was love was and the boom. This little human made me feel a love I have never felt, a surge of emotion like no other. I don't think I could ever imagine my world without him. He is my everything, my universe and my true love.

Now the recovery was hard but I'll do that all another day. If you got to the end of this post then well done you, I have been writing this on and off for seven weeks now so apologies its taken so long. 

So everyone meet Barnaby. My gorgeous little Barney bear that's made me a mummy and shown me what true love feels like. Everything I ever do will be for you. I promise you that I will try and make you the happiest little boy, while we may not ever have much. You will be filled with so much love and that's all that matters.

Speak spoon x