Hello my loves,
Now it has been my dream to be a mum since I was little. Now the reality of mum life is actually much different to the dream I had as a little girl. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think this would be a walk in the park and I knew it would have its ups and downs. This is just a little post to be like "it's okay to miss little things from life pre-baby". I love Barney with everything I have but I've gone from me to mum and it's a whole different level.
Now I think what I'm struggling with is feeling trapped in my house. I'm naturally a messy person, I've tried really hard since Barneys been here to keep on top of it but Barney is just very much a boy that will not be put down. Thankfully this week he's taken to Peppa pig and I never thought a cartoon pig would become a lifeline for me but here I am, a disheveled woman clinging to the parenting skills of a cartoon pig to amuse my son long enough to put a wash on.
Honestly I love him but I never thought I'd be dying to get housework done. Or have a spur of the moment bubble bath without having to schedule it in with my other half. Single parents I salute you because this shits hard and there's two of us!
A hot drink. A hot drink is a bloody rarity for me now. I think I've drunk more Luke warm mugs of tea in the last seven weeks than I have in my 25 years on this earth. I just feel like he knows, like he's sleeping soundly and then it's like he hears that kettle go and *boom* he's up. Is it too much to ask for just one mug of steaming hot tea a day, a mug of warmth it set me up for chaos or to wind me down from mum life.
That leads me onto a hot meal... For someone who loves her food, I don't actually think I've eaten a hot meal in one sitting since he was born. The way dinner works now is I let my over half have his first, perks of him wolfing it down means I can enjoy my meal in peace, even if it is cold at that point. I've even taken to cutting all my food up into little bits just to do it one handed. I know I can hold Barney, balance a bottle in his mouth for a millisecond with I stab food on a fork to shovel into my mouth. Like this is such a little thing I guess I never thought about.
I find that whenever I want a wee or god forbid anything else, my wee is interrupted by the cries of the baby. During the night I've had to master the *hold the baby with one hand and wipe with the other to stop him from screaming my house down* routine. Yes, it is indeed a wild life I live.
All these little things may just seem laughable and I'm sure in a few years I'll look back on this and laugh. I think the one thing I'm struggling with the most, is just the feeling that I'm lost. I'm not myself anymore and that's an odd feeling. I knew my life would change but with this new little person, someone that's always there, I've never felt so lonely. I don't have time to think about me anymore, and god forbid I do I feel like it's greeted with disgust that I could possibly take just a few hours to unwind and not live in the bubble where a tiny human life depends on me. I know that's awful but I'm hoping this is maybe a normal feeling. I don't think this is postnatal depression, I'm back on tablets like I was pre-pregnancy but I think the sheer responsibility that someone else is relying on me to keep them safe, fed, dressed, happy and loved is a lot.
I have a really supportive family and partner who are always there, yet I just feel so alone. I feel like the minute I stop, take a breath or catch some sleep even....I just feel on edge like everyones just judging me to switching off for a few moments each week. Is this normal for parents to feel? I will re-word that actually, if you're part of a team of parents and you are the main person who looks after your little one(s), do you feel like you can't even take a moment. Like because you're at home with the baby or the children, like you're not entitled to feel tired?
In my day right now, this is the list of things I have to do. I say have, no one is forcing me but while my other half works I try and keep on top of the housework as well. So this is the list of things I have in my day to fit in.
Get the baby fed.
Get him up and dressed.
Change him.
Clean the bedroom.
Clean the bathroom.
Do the washing up and bottles.
Do a wash load and hang it out.
Organise our finances.
Make dinner (Not a fab meal but you try doing dinner with a 7 feel old that refuses to be put down).
Make his bottles up, normally while he's demanding one so doing a one handed scoop of formula and normally it falling on the side is a mare. Who knew it was so sticky when it was a tad wet.
Eating dinner one handed or cold.
Trying to sooth an overtired baby and get him to bed.
While this may not seem like a lot, keep in mind that these aren't things I can just crack on with anymore. I took that for granted so much before he was here. Who knew I'd be thankful for a peaceful minute to just clean my kitchen. I also then have the guilt of an evening, now I know my other half enjoys his time on Fifa and when he says he'll take over I always see the sigh when Barney cries mid game. Then I feel bad and just offer to take over (He doesn't moan about having to stop playing but the guilt creeps in for me). So normally my day starts at about 7am when Barney wakes up properly for the day, it ends maybe at 11:30 when he finally settles into his big sleep but then I'm up a few times in the night.
Does this get easier? Is there light at the end of this tunnel or is this just me now? I love my baby with everything I have but being a mum, well a parent in general is hard. Will the guilt fade? Will I get to a place where I feel like I'm able to just go "No, I need to have a day to switch off from baby brain".
Anyway, sorry for the rambling post. I guess my head is just really all over the place and I just needed a space to express how I was feeling.
Speak soon x
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